Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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