I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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