today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
