I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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