$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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