Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
