i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
