I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
