There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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