The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
