i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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