mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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