I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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