Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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