1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
