i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm too high and old for this...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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