Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
