I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
