the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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