when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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