i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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