OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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