i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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