Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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