I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
