K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
