I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
