My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
