I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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