Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
