You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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