Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
