My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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