Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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