Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
