Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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