This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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