Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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