We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
