i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
