Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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