After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
