I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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