Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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