It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
