You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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