you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Will exercising make me less horny?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
