Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
