she woke up with a sticky ear
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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