Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
