tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
